A few weeks ago, a colleague sent me a well-reasoned note that
pointed to what he felt were contradictions between a few of my previous blog
posts. He reminded me that Self-Management derives a great deal of strength
from the cross-colleague feedback that the organizational model should
foster. It forms a sort of self-regulating organization that, theoretically,
is far stronger than the traditional hierarchical model in that each and
every colleague is charged with addressing and correcting issues they
perceive within the organization.
My colleague went on to reference a subsequent post in which I
ruminated on the dangers of rudeness in the workplace. In that post I
referenced recent research that suggested that rudeness causes overall
cooperativeness to diminish and also might actually diminish the cognitive
capacity of those who are subjected to rude behavior.
These two premises, my colleague pointed out, seem contradictory.
Confrontation, he says, is a vital ingredient in a Self-Managed enterprise (I
would argue, actually, that confrontation is a vital ingredient in ANY
healthy social organization). But every time, he goes on to say, that he's
confronted someone, the confronted colleague perceives the confrontation as
rude.
And he makes a good point: often, he says, the deviant (the one
who is engaging in this behavior that so desperately demands correction) has
justified the behavior in his own mind and really isn't interested in hearing
what you have to say.
That's fair and I have no doubt that it happens from time to
time.
Finally, my colleague points out that he's had his life saved by
someone who started out the confrontation with something like, "Hey, you
$*$#@& idiot!" Essentially, he says, sometimes
"rudeness" is the only way to get someone's attention--and I agree.
Particularly when someone's life is on the line. But most of the time,
someone's life isn't on the line; the situation is something far more
mundane. And those are the situations that I'm interested in.
So I ask you to consider a completely different social
environment, one which demands that you confront another from time to time:
your marriage (or relationship with significant other). I suspect that most
of us (at least those with a reasonably healthy, happy relationship) have found
a way to confront our significant other without being rude. In fact, courtesy
seems to me to be an earmark of civilized interaction.
What's the difference, then? Why is it that we think confrontation
at work demands brusque, discourteous behavior?
That's an honest question.
Here's what I think: confrontation at home is given--and
received--with an understanding that this confrontation is intended to better
both of our lives. That doesn't mean it's enjoyable or even well-received,
but there's an implicit understanding that both of us are committed to this
relationship, so this confrontation is simply intended to enhance that
relationship.
At work, on the other hand, our relationships with our colleagues
are too-often built on wary distrust. We're generally friendly and get along
OK, but we go through our careers driven by this undercurrent of fear--that
someone is looking for a way to give me the boot and rob me of my
livelihood.
Further, when we're put in the position where we have to confront
another, there's this feeling of unease about the "aftermath"--that
is, what's this relationship going to be like after the dust
settles?
And these two phenomena, together, manifest themselves all too
often as unproductive confrontations that do more damage than
good.
Does that make sense?
How can we solve it?
